I’ve been waiting to not be pregnant any more-funny statement from a woman longing for a baby. Since the ultrasound confirmed my miscarriage I’ve been ready to move on. I’ve wanted the bleeding to stop and my hormones to stabilize. My beta-hcg which I had been ecstatically watching trend upward came to a screeching halt and since then has been on the slowest decline ever. It needs to be zero before we can consider restarting another frozen IVF cycle. Since it had been doubling rapidly I assumed that the decline would be just as swift. Silly me to think anything associated with infertility could be swift…other than disappointment.
My b-hcg levels have taunted me for the past several weeks. 600, 500, 320, 215, 120, 64…and finally this past friday…4! Finally a number that means we can move on. I’ve been bleeding for over a month now, just another reminder of our pregnancy failure. The miscarriage bleeding finally slowed last week, but in exchange my period decided to arrive yesterday. Lucky me!
I was under the impression that once my b-hcg level zeroed out, I could start right back into another frozen cycle of IVF. Having achieved a negative number, I urgently scheduled my ultrasound for the next available appointment and pulled out my needles and viles of lupron. Three days felt like two weeks. It was the shortest wait that I’d had thus far, but it still felt like an eternity.
Finally ultrasound day arrived…today! I headed to my OB/GYN office to make sure that my ovaries and uterus were back to normal. If so, I would be injecting myself with lupron by tomorrow. Thankfully, everything looked fine. It took two hours in the doctor’s office this morning to get that news, but I happily dismissed the wait time in exchange for positive results. Now all I needed was the go ahead from my reproductive endocrinologist.
I grabbed the phone on the first ring this afternoon, ecstatic to move forward on our mission to make another baby. The news that I still need to wait another two weeks before I can jump back into infertility treatments has left me feeling disappointed once again. Repeat blood work in two weeks-estrotgen and progesterone this time. Now I’m waiting to ovulate (not that my eggs are contributing to the equation this time around.)
Every week that nothing happens feels like a failure. Every week that I’m not pregnant or at least actively working toward that end feels like a disappointment. I’m stuck at the start line. The gun has fired for everyone but me. False start after false start has kept me stuck in the same position with nothing to show for it but more pain and grief. I’m ready to run full speed ahead. I’m ready for infertility to get out of my way. I ready for it to work this time.