I’m not sure which is worse…having an altogether failed IVF cycle or having the false hope of a positive pregnancy test followed by a miscarriage. Three years ago I just wanted to get pregnant. I wanted to know that it could happen, but now that I have a rambunctious two year-old, I just want another baby. I know I can get pregnant. I don’t care about pregnancy success; I want “baby in my arms” success!
Christmas Eve day when I received the glorious and shocking news that our frozen IVF cycle had actually worked, I was over the moon! A little spotting had thrown me off, convincing me that I couldn’t be pregnant, but when our b-hcg numbers were rising nicely I allowed myself the luxury of optimism. Not cautious optimism…good old-fashioned optimism. I was pregnant! We had never had a miscarriage before so why would we now? We wouldn’t have to dish out thousands of dollars for another IVF cycle! We wouldn’t have to coordinate road-trips out to our infertility specialist. We were going to have another baby! Would it be a boy or a girl? What color would I paint the nursery? We needed a name! I even started budgeting for a new crib, clothes, and bedding. I promised myself I wouldn’t go overboard like we had with my daughter.
And, then it happened. The spotting started again and this time it didn’t stop. My b-hcg levels were continuing to rise, but they were now in the low normal range. When my spotting turned into full-blown bleeding I began to panic. The news that had made my Christmas perfect was now making my New Years a nightmare. I was standing in the parking lot at The Magic Kingdom when a phone call from my infertility specialist confirmed my worst fear that my latest blood work was not trending appropriately, and all at once the magic began to fade. Nothing definitive could be said except that I might be having a miscarriage, or I could have an ectopic pregnancy. I still don’t know that answer. I’ve been waiting…waiting to finally pull in my drive way after a two-day road trip home from Florida, waiting to get repeat blood work, waiting to have my ultrasound, and waiting to meet with my OB/GYN. I won’t know anything certain until tomorrow, but I’m pretty certain already that this pregnancy is a miscarriage in the making.
It feels like such a waste! Such a let down! Such a cruel trick! Over 60 intramuscular progesterone shots (quite a few of which I have given to myself), countless subq lupron shots, surgery, and an embryo transfer all for what? It would have been so much easier to not get my hopes up only to be devastated. But, for now, I continue to stab myself with 1 1/2 inch needles twice daily just in case this baby decides to stick around. Please stay…pretty please! This mama would love you silly!