Miscarriage in the Making?

I’m not sure which is worse…having an altogether failed IVF cycle or having the false hope of a positive pregnancy test followed by a miscarriage. Three years ago I just wanted to get pregnant. I wanted to know that it could happen, but now that I have a rambunctious two year-old, I just want another baby. I know I can get pregnant. I don’t care about pregnancy success; I want “baby in my arms” success!Mother breastfeeding the little baby

Christmas Eve day when I received the glorious and shocking news that our frozen IVF cycle had actually worked, I was over the moon! A little spotting had thrown me off, convincing me that I couldn’t be pregnant, but when our b-hcg numbers were rising nicely I allowed myself the luxury of optimism. Not cautious optimism…good old-fashioned optimism. I was pregnant! We had never had a miscarriage before so why would we now? We wouldn’t have to dish out thousands of dollars for another IVF cycle! We wouldn’t have to coordinate road-trips out to our infertility specialist. We were going to have another baby! Would it be a boy or a girl? What color would I paint the nursery? We needed a name! I even started budgeting for a new crib, clothes, and bedding. I promised myself I wouldn’t go overboard like we had with my daughter.

And, then it happened. The spotting started again and this time it didn’t stop. My b-hcg levels were continuing to rise, but they were now in the low normal range. When my spotting turned into full-blown bleeding I began to panic. The news that had made my Christmas perfect was now making my New Years a nightmare. I was standing in the parking lot at The Magic Kingdom when a phone call from my infertility specialist confirmed my worst fear that my latest blood work was not trending appropriately, and all at once the magic began to fade. Nothing definitive could be said except that I might be having a miscarriage, or I could have an ectopic pregnancy. I still don’t know that answer. I’ve been waiting…waiting to finally pull in my drive way after a two-day road trip home from Florida, waiting to get repeat blood work, waiting to have my ultrasound, and waiting to meet with my OB/GYN. I won’t know anything certain until tomorrow, but I’m pretty certain already that this pregnancy is a miscarriage in the making.Beautiful young woman in bed, with hot water bag on her tummy

It feels like such a waste! Such a let down! Such a cruel trick! Over 60 intramuscular progesterone shots (quite a few of which I have given to myself), countless subq lupron shots, surgery, and an embryo transfer all for what? It would have been so much easier to not get my hopes up only to be devastated. But, for now, I continue to stab myself with 1 1/2 inch needles twice daily just in case this baby decides to stick around. Please stay…pretty please! This mama would love you silly!




32 thoughts on “Miscarriage in the Making?

  1. My heart is aching for you and my prayers are with you!!!! I’m so sorrybthis can’t be easier for you! Not fair at all!!!

  2. Oh Emma I am so sorry to hear this. God is bigger than this “bump” in the road. He knows your future as well as your baby’s. I will be praying for Gods will to shine through.

  3. Started following your blog after my own fertility issues this year with multiple miscarriages. Was happy to hear of your success with this last IVF. So sorry to hear what you are going through now. Thinking of you and sending positive vibes.

  4. My prayers are with you. I know all too well the heartache of miscarriage and unfortunately ectopic pregnancy. I miscarried in July and found myself pregnant again in the beginning of September. After a day and a half in the hospital on bedrest, alot of ups and downs (your levels rose, but not enough, we will release you after 1 more ultrasound just to make sure, there is free fluid in your pelvis), my doctor told me it was probably ectopic and the fluid was increasing. I had 45 minutes from his visit until I was rushed into surgery. My family was 90 minutes away. When I woke up I was told it was ectopic, the fluid was blood, and I was very close to rupturing. I lost my right tube and alot of hope. I am now physically healed. We are trying again but I have gone from high risk to very high risk. I also was recently diagnosed with Factor V Leiden. You are in my prayers. I hope your outcome is better than mine.

  5. Dang it! This whole roller coaster ride sucks. I know God has a plan for you, it’s just not easy to decipher right now. Some day you will look back and realize that you have the perfect family, even though it was a hard fight. I wish I could make that day come sooner, so you wouldn’t fret or be sad. In the meantime, keep hope and I’ll keep hoping and praying for you.

  6. My heart is shattering for you. I’m praying this miricle baby not only sticks around but it becomes a healthy, happy, full term baby. Praying praying praying (and crying) for you right now.

    From one infertile to another. **hugs**

  7. I am so, so sorry. I could have written this post myself. I also have a two year old and I did an IVF transfer on Thanksgiving. I found out I was pregnant and was elated. Everything was rising normally. Then the week of Christmas I started having bleeding and found out Christmas morning that my baby no longer had a heartbeat. That is all to say that I completely get everything you are saying. I hope in your case, though, that you are not miscarrying. I hope that your bleeding stops and that your numbers straighten themselves out. I’ll be sending my most positive thoughts your way. In the meantime, if you ever feel like commiserating, feel free to email me at theskyandbackblog@gmail.com. I’m sorry that you are going through this — no one should ever have to have this experience.

  8. I understand! I have PCOS, but I already have a baby girl, so miscarriage number 1 was a shock, I just couldnt wrap my head around it… But I jumped back on the baby making wagon full of optimism, this could only happen to ME once right? 7 weeks later pregnant again RESULT!!! …except this time it was ectopic… Took my right fallopian tube with it! …The fall back down from my high hopes was painful

    …BUT after this surgery induced break, i will jump back on the baby making wagon once again! …Every baby is truly a miracle and the baby making process isnt quite as simple as they make out in the movies!

    God has a plan, he knows what hes doing… Even if we dont quite understand!
    Good luck to you on your journey, I will be following

    MsCarry On x

    PS: When I initially went to hospital with bleeding from my ectopic pregnancy (definitely BLEEDING and not spotting!) I was told that, that doesnt necessarily mean its a miscarriage. More tests were needed. My blood counts rose, but my news wasnt good… Your blood counts havent risen as they should but I have my fingers crossed that your news will be good! x

  9. I was thinking about hope more last night. It is so, so hard to not hope and to plan. I’m stuck in a cycle right now where I’m actually worse than when I was doing IVF – every month I’m hopeful, and every month I’m devastated again. I know the odds of me conceiving naturally are pretty remote, and still I hope. Once you’ve actually been given a reason to hope, and to plan – it is so incredibly difficult to not do so. When my son was in NICU I found myself planning for a future and hoping every time he was stable – and then being forced back into living moment by moment when he crashed again. One day I realised that I was talking about him in terms of weeks and months and years (and had been doing so for some weeks) and that meant that he was quite probably getting better.

    Ages ago I was listening to a radio piece on Greek mythology, and they were talking about Pandora’s box. One of the Greek mythology experts pointed out that there was a reason hope was in the box – it can be as destructive as any of the other things that were released. But, unlike the other things, it can also be a positive force.

    I don’t know where you’re currently at, but best wishes and don’t give up on hope, even when she (pretty sure she’s feminine in Greek) hurts you like hell.

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