When You Lose What’s Most Precious…the baby that should be in your arms

It is all more painful than words can express. And, yet, I write. I write in REMEMBERANCE of pregnancy loss, infant loss, and infertility-the lost hope of ever becoming a mother for the first time, or the shattering disappointment of losing what would have been a precious and treasured addition to your family.Concept Of Love And Family. Hands Of Mother And Baby

I first felt the twinge of longing for a baby when I was still just a baby myself. For many women, the desire for motherhood starts as early as our toddler years. Even now I am reminded of this innate longing as I watch my two-year old daughter feed, change, and rock her baby dolls. It is all so natural, and yet for many of us, getting pregnant, staying pregnant, or carrying a baby to full term delivery are far from natural.  Even many of the seemingly “fertile” moms among us have been touched by the devastation of miscarriage and stillbirth-countless times over. In my own neighborhood moms have been touched by stillbirths, miscarriages, infertility, and premature delivery. According to statistics from the CDC, the history of your street is probably similar to mine with 1,003,000 pregnancies ending in either stillbirth or miscarriage and 27,500 infants not making it to their first birthday each year in the United States.Melancholy And Sad Young  Woman  At The Window In The Rain

And, while the WHYS and WHAT TO DO’s are incredibly important, taking the time to reflect, remember, and grieve is also important. As I head back into infertility treatments, I am blessed to say that my diagnosis has changed from primary infertility to secondary! After years of trying to conceive naturally, and 5 cycles of complicated IVF with numerous failed embryo transfers, I am blessed to be called “mama” by the sweetest little girl in the world. And, while already being a mother has changed my infertility outlook, secondary infertility is still painful and challenging. My frozen embryo transfer is only several weeks away, but instead of excitement, I am reminded of the grief that comes with each failed cycle. The catch phrase in the infertility and pregnancy complication world is always “cautious optimism.” Oh, how I would love to replace that phrase with ECSTATIC ENTHUSIASM for something that is guaranteed to work!Love and new life concept. A woman's hands forming a heart symbo

Even though my previous embryos were tiny clusters of 8 cells, they were still my “babies.” With each transfer I saw a glimmer of hope. I had new life inside of me. That life would grow into an amazing person! But, when nausea turned into spotting and cramping time and time again, the devastation and disappointment was almost too much to bear. I’m not sure how to prepare myself this time for the possibility of a failed transfer, the cruel tease of a miscarriage (where hope is given and then snatched), or my overwhelming fear of once again delivering a preterm baby who this time may not survive.Divided couple are separated by white wall but holding hands

I should be a pro at coping with infertility and preterm delivery grief and loss, but this time around I’ve decided to FEEL rather than just cope. Life is made to be felt. The beautiful things are made to be seen, the horrific to be despised, and the devastating to be endured with strength. I refuse to become cold to my pain. Instead, I will remember my losses with a heavy heart but look to my blessings with overwhelming gratitude. I have found an inner strength, stronger than anything I could muster alone, fostered by friends, strangers, my faith, and a desire to inspire others enduring similar journeys.

Join me by raising awareness, giving a voice to loss, and sharing your story. Encourage others to donate to cutting edge research that could establish healthy pregnancies, prevent miscarriages and preterm deliveries, and save the lives of preemies. I recently decided to partner with March of Dimes as a local Ambassador. Check out their website for more details, for resources on dealing with grief, and for ways that you can get involved. For additional resources on pregnancy loss, miscarriage, still birth, and infertility, take a look at these amazing sites. If your grief has turned into lasting depression it may be time to seek professional help.

The American Pregnancy Association

Resolve: The National Infertility Association

The Mayo Clinic on Pregnancy Loss

In the spirit of remembrance, click HERE to enter to win a memorial bracelet or necklace of your choosing from Fertile Gems. Crystal, the designer and Etsy shop owner has graciously offered to give away a piece of her Always & Forever jewelry line to a mom who has suffered loss. This small token may take you one step closer to healing along your journey.






23 thoughts on “When You Lose What’s Most Precious…the baby that should be in your arms

  1. This post could not have come at a better time. My heart hurts with yours. As we consider trying again the thoughts and fears that I worked through before always come back. Praying for peace and comfort for us both. Thank you for being open, honest, and compassionate.

  2. Thanks for posting this- I recently suffered a miscarriage and reading others’ experiences make the experience feel less isolating.

  3. Thank you for being so open!
    We lost our daughter last May at 24 weeks, she was stillborn.
    Most people find the topic so taboo and it’s people like you who are helping Break that stigma.
    We recently were featured in our local paper telling our story for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. What started as a local article, ended up going across Canada and traveled online all over the world.

    • OH, I am so sorry. I can’t imagine the pain. You are so right about these topics being taboo. Infertility, miscarriage, all hush hush topics that no one feels comfortable talking about. Both are incredibly common. Both areas still need incredible amounts of research. By opening up with our stories maybe it will shine a light on the importance of these topics. That is amazing that you were able to share your story in such a way. I wish you all the best.

  4. Sorry for your loss and thank you for sharing! After loosing one its hard to expect a new normal..always wanting what could had been.

  5. Thank you for sharing your story. Its so much easer to allow ourselves to become hard and cold that is to embrace our emotions. Your desire to remain vulnerable and open is beautiful.

  6. I just recently lost my son at 17wks. His heart just, stopped one day between 14-15wks and I never even had a cluue until my 16th wk check up. I had a perfectly fine u/s done at 14wk 1day. Heart beating and legs kicking away. And finally told the world about our bundle to be. Only to have to take time off work and deliver him 2wks later on september 12th 2014. No one knew what to say, only the people who have suffered a loss so great as this knew the pain I was in, gave me words of comfort. Others looked past it, forgot about it, or wondered why I was upset about losing a baby I didn’t even know. Posts like this need to be shared. People think because its deemed a miscarriage or stillbirth, that because the baby was never born alive, there’s no reason to grieve. Oh, how wrong they are. Even something as simple as a head nod, just aknowledging “I heard. I see your pain. And I’m sorry”, is something so small but can make a world of a difference. Posts like this will hopefully show others who haven’t had to edure this horrid journey, the extent of which it effects us.

    • Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and feelings and your story. I am so sorry for your loss. Yes, no matter the age, losing a baby is devastating. In my case, failed embryo transfers (at the earliest stages of life) were devastating. Having something growing in you and having the joy and hope of becoming a mother or bringing a baby into the world and then having that snatched away without warning is horrific! Anyone who has ever been through something like this would agree with you. It is beyond painful. Yes, acknowledging that the loss of a pregnancy deserves time to grieve should be a given. I am so sorry that you have not felt the love and support that you needed during this difficult time.

  7. Reading this post came at the most needed time of my life. I suffered my first loss on Nov. 1. My sweet baby girl at 18 weeks. The pain and questions have overwhelmed me. I have fought with reasoning with myself to accept and just deal with it. I have fought with laying in the bed all day to cry and be miserable. But yesterday morning after I put my oldest boys on their buses to school I looked up to wish my R.J. a good morning and send her a kiss a single tiny little leaf was gracefully floating down from the sky. Literally in the middle of nowhere. Not matching any tree we have around. I knew at that moment she was telling me I’m ok mommy….it’s ok mommy. I cried of course but I have told myself to accept the hurt acknowledge the pain but love my baby girl and live for her and her big brothers. Love them they way they love me and carry my baby girl in my heart.

    • OH, thank you so much for sharing. I am so sorry for your loss. Some days it is hard to get beyond the pain and the grief, but you are right…She would want you to live and to love her brothers. Hang in there. Don’t be overcome. You sound like such a strong and loving mother. I’m sure that your boys are amazing and they are blessed to have you.

  8. Thank you for sharing. My husband and I just lost our first at 39 weeks due to a cord accident. The research I’ve done the last 7 weeks since Malcolm was stillborn is eye-opening. We need medical research. There is no excuse why this happened to him and to us with a healthy pregnancy & a healthy baby. We were so close to having all our dreams fulfilled & the thought of trying again when we’re physically & emotionally ready is terrifying.

    • Oh!!! My heart breaks as I read your story. I am so incredibly sorry! I cannot even imagine carrying a child to term and then losing them. I agree. Research is key. So many advances have been made but so much more needs to be done. You will know when and if you are ready again. I think no matter what the timing is, getting pregnant again is always scary when you have had something as devastating happen as you have. My heart truly goes out to you. Thank you so much for commenting and sharing your story and your pain.

  9. Reading this helps me to not feel so alone. So often when people hear of my miscarriage they say things like “it’s so common,” or “at least now you know you can get pregnant.” None of which are comforting to me. So often I feel almost guilty for being depressed or upset that I have lost my only child after years of my husband and I trying. I have been tested, poked and prodded and I have been told I should have no complications or difficulties getting pregnant but here we are. I’ve lost all hope and feel trying to bring children into this world is a lost cause. My prayers go out for all who’ve experienced the loss of a child.

    • Thank you so much for sharing your feelings here. Loss, no matter what form, age, stage is always devastating. Infertility is painful. I am so sorry for your pain. I wish that I could make it all go away for you and countless other women. Know that you are not alone.

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