Our Preemie Journey: Holding My Dream Come True for the First Time

I couldn’t do it. I hadn’t been able to get out of bed with my soaring blood pressure, pounding headache, and magnesium clouded confusion. I desperately wanted to hold HER; but, it had been two days, and I had yet to see my baby. Today was the day! I willed my body, forcing my legs to carry me just one step toward the wheel chair. Un-showered, unrecognizably swollen from the preeclampsia, connected to several IV lines and a foley catheter bag…I was far from a picture, perfect new mother. Actually, I was a wreck! I was trying to hold it together, but it was all too much. My body continued to suffer the side effects of preeclampsia, unresponsive to the blood pressure medications being loaded into my veins. I was terrified for myself and my tiny newborn. But, I had to see her! I had to hold her! I had to touch her!Iphone 1634

Iphone 1729Every tiny bump, even the elevator’s gentle thumping felt like foot-high speed bumps. My head bobbed and my body swayed as though I was on a tiny fishing boat weathering rough seas. Although Dave was probably only moving at a turtle speed, I begging him to slow down. The nurse at his side, there to make sure that my blood pressure didn’t jump any higher and that my IV lines were running appropriately, assured me that we would be to the NICU in moments. I reminded myself to take deep breaths. I could make it. I would make it.

The NICU was a whole new world. Small rooms filled with even smaller babies. IV’s, feeding tubes, heart rate monitors, ventilators, incubators…all in an effort to save these precious little lives. My wheel chair stopped in front of HER room. It wasn’t the perfect pink room with a white crib and velvet curtains that I had planned but hadn’t had the time to decorate. Instead, it was a hospital room with a tiny incubator, purple walls, heart rate monitors, and a hospital curtain.Iphone 1653Iphone 1764

I barely noticed the room. All that I saw was HER. So tiny…so fragile…so transparent. Again, I was terrified. I didn’t see a beautiful, healthy, chubby baby that I could snuggle and kiss. Instead, what I saw resembled a frail, baby bird that had fallen from its nest. Her skin was translucent, covered in downy hair. Her features were far too fine and underdeveloped, lacking the fullness and health that fat brings. Her skin was wrinkly, and her arms and legs almost looked skeletal from the lack of fat. Some may be appalled to read that I didn’t find her beautiful at first sight. I loved her desperately, but her appearance was shocking…even to me, a physician.Iphone 1693

I was afraid to hold her. Would I break her? Her weight had dropped into the 2 pound range-down a little from her birth weight of 3 pounds 2 ounces. The nurse reassured me that SHE would be fine. It took some time to get her out of the incubator and untangled from all of her iv and monitor lines. Just as she was placed in my arms I began to feel waves of nausea. My blood pressure had jumped, and my medications were making the room spin. I had made it this far. I had to hold her.Iphone 1661IMG_2042Iphone 1703

After only a few moments, with tears streaming down my face I asked for someone to take her from my arms. I had to close my eyes. I had to lay down. My body was my enemy. It was preventing me from being the mother that I longed to be. But, I had seen her. I had held her-even if just for a moment. In that moment, in my sick and terrified state, I was in love with a little life that had been gifted to me. She was tiny, but she was precious…the most priceless gift my arms had ever held.Iphone 1832

From The Mom in Me, MDIphone 1738

9 thoughts on “Our Preemie Journey: Holding My Dream Come True for the First Time

  1. This is a beautiful post! What a testament of love for your sweet pea. And while you may look at these pics and see a swollen momma, I am ch

  2. It always amazes me what mothers will do to get to NICU and see their babies. I have friends who were wheeled in post-caesarian in hospital beds because they wouldn’t stop harrassing the nurses until they worked out a way to get them in there. One of my friends (who had HELLP Sydrome) managed to successfully harrass the ICU staff – they went with the risk to her being away from ICU for 30 minutes was less than the the risk to her stressing and sending her blood pressure all over the place because she couldn’t see her baby.

    (The staff must love mothers like that, heh.)

    I was lucky – my blood pressure pretty much started dropping from delivery and I was off two of the three drugs by the time I was discharged 5 days later. Still had to be wheeled into NICU initially but was walking there within 2 days (too difficult to find someone to wheel me, was easier just to walk).

    The first kangaroo care and touch is always amazingly special. You don’t realise how tiny your baby is until you see the photo when you’re holding them. And then you forget, until you see the photos again.

  3. I love reading a post that truly makes you FEEL the love through the words! You caught those moments in pictures but your narration is where the emotion was truly captured! What a beautiful journey!!! And what a gorgeous daughter you have!!!!

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